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Nightmare Pokepets: The worst Pokemon you could have IRL – Remoraid

By Eric Halliday

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Continuing our wild fantasy of what it would be like to own a Pokemon in real life, today we look at what it would be like to have Remoraid.

I have this habit when I play the Pokemon games of looking through the Pokedex and stopping on some and wondering what would possess you to want to own one in real-life. Some, like Eevee or Togepi would be adorable situations but for every adorable fluff ball there’s a nightmarish creature or a sentient WMD that you just would not want in your life. So in this segment we’re going to talk about one of these nightmare Pokepets. Today we’re talking about Remoraid!

People having water-type Pokemon always baffled me in the games and shows. If you’re on a boat a lot or live water-side, I guess I can see having one. But these people that traverse the world or live in a land locked community wandering about with a fish is just strange. Plus, why is it that most of the fish, when released on land (like a Goldeen) hover in the air as if swimming, while other ones (like a Magikarp) will just flop onto the ground confused?

But let’s say you want one. You’re like, “I love water, I love swimming, I hate my electronics” and you decide to get a water-type. You may be tempted to get a Remoraid. At just under two feet tall, this thing is pug-cute. It’s not pretty by any means but there’s something about its face that is just so ugly to the point that it’s kind of cute. The more I talk about it the more I could see falling for this dork.

The main problem with this little guy is that it likes to suck in water and shoot it out in little jets to knock out flying stuff. Or I guess, in your home, stuff from top shelves. Anyone with kids who, themselves, own squirt guns know a minor version of how annoying this could be. Though, honestly, as almost every water-type Pokemon can learn a move that sprays water, I’m not sure how this is something to write home about.

The big problem is if you decide to evolve it. Despite it making so little sense, it gives Darwin’s corpse a migraine; if you evolve it you get this fella.

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No. I have no idea how Remoraid, a fish, becomes Octillery, which I remind you is absolutely not a fish.

Suddenly your pet grows to a little under three feet and it becomes an octopus — because animals. There’s really no good way to explain this. Some people like to posit that the evolution works because Remoraid is like a gun and Octillery is like a cannon so it’s evolving warfare. Those people are wrong. This evolutionary line is just insanity and I dislike it immensely.

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Anyways, so now you have an Octillery. I like octopus; they’re one of my favorite critters. Footage of them escaping zoos and labs is just inspiring and make me hope to one day escape my retail position, but now we’re getting personal.

An Octillery has some bits that are different though. Instead of a beak where it’s mouth should be, it has it’s mouth way up near it’s eyes where it shoots balls of ink at a high velocity. Gone are the days of it looking like you have toddlers running around with squirt guns; now it looks like you’ve got adults running around with paint ball guns. If you thought cleaning up water was fun, I hope you like stains. Thinking about stains on this level is what took Billie Mays from us.

Next. Nightmare Pokepets: The worst Pokemon you could have IRL – Ponyta. dark

In closing, these would be absolutely terrible house guests that would end up ruining everything in your home. Can you think of any other Pokemon that would be just awful in real life? Have an idea for one that you love that you don’t think I can nitpick apart? Want to tell me that the Magikarp to Gyrados evolution also doesn’t make sense so that I can tell you about the Japanese folktale it’s based off of where a carp leapt over a dragon gate to become a dragon? Comment below.

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