Nightmare Pokepets: The worst Pokemon you could have IRL – Ponyta
Continuing our feature in which we look at some of the Pokémon you could have in real life, today we analyze Ponyta and Rapidash.
Last week, we kicked off our new series of “Nightmare Pokepets,” exploring the idea of, well, owning Pokémon in real life. More specifically, however, we focus on the nightmarish creatures you probably wouldn’t want to own. Our first feature looked at Slugma, but this week, we’re talking about Ponyta!
At first glance, Ponyta is a three-foot-tall cutie and I can see why it is such a beloved creature. It’s majestic and gorgeous. It’s an example of a simple design that works. But here’s something I want Pokémon game players to think about. Almost all Pokémon games feature a ranch or farm of some sort. You’ll see Mudbrays and Tauros and Miltanks but never Ponytas or their evolved form Rapidash. Ever wonder why? Let’s discuss.
The same reason a Ponyta gets your attention is the same reason you should ignore it. Its mane. That is straight up fire. Not fire-like hair. Fire. It’s just shooting flames out of the back of its head and slightly above its butt. I’m not even going to get into why that last part of the sentence has its own set of problems.
Now notice its flavor text. “Ponyta is very weak at birth. It can barely stand up. This Pokémon becomes stronger by stumbling and falling to keep up with its parent.”
I know right now you’re thinking of that scene from Bambi where it struggles to stand on ice but what you need to be picturing is a torch. A torch that keeps getting dropped again and again. Picture if, for some reason, when they’re running the torch to the Olympics they take a detour through your home. Then the person carrying the torch trips and drops the torch inside your house. It’s not going to go well, is it?
Even if Ponyta falls in your backyard, I hope your grass isn’t having a dry spell. But if you stick with it, you’ll get yourself a gorgeous Rapidash, right?
At just over five-feet-tall, the Rapidash perfects the image that Ponyta already portrays. It also has a unicorn horn so, added plus. Even the first part of its flavor text is majestic. “Rapidash usually can be seen casually cantering in the fields and plains.” Cantering. That’s majestic AF.
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It’s the other part that scares me. “However, when this Pokémon turns serious, its fiery manes flare and blaze as it gallops its way up to 150MPH.”
You know it’s bad when a Pokémon flavor text has to include “however”. But imagine you have worked with this thing all its life and you’ve got it to where you can calmly ride this thing as it keeps its mane and tail to a dull roar (like you could in Let’s Go Eevee/Pikachu).
Suddenly something startles it and it wants to run home. The back of its head starts to “flare and blaze”. That 150 MPH is going to be really useful as it runs your charred self to the burn ward.
Have any other ideas for Pokémon that would be terrible? Drop suggestions in the comment and I fill happily roast them like a Slugma to a floor.