Nightmare Pokepets: The worst Pokémon you could have IRL – Slugma

Not all Pokémon are created equally adorable. In this weekly feature, we take a look at some of the worst Pokémon you could have in real life, starting with Slugma.

I have this habit when I play the Pokémon games of looking through the Pokedex, stopping on some and wondering what would possess you to want to own one in real-life. Some, like Eevee or Togepi, would be adorable.

But for every adorable fluff ball there’s a nightmarish creature or a sentient WMD that you just would not want in your life. So in this segment we’re going to talk about one of these nightmare Pokepets. Today we’re talking about Slugma!

At first glance, Slugma looks like what would happen if a volcano sneezed and that’s not far off from the truth. Slugma’s name is the combination of the words “slug” and “magma”. It is literally a slow-moving, sentient puddle of lava.

And just to give an idea of how hard it is to conceive this as a pet, look at its description. “If this Pokémon is chilled, the magma cools and hardens. Its body turns brittle and chunks fall off, reducing its size.” So literally, someone encountered this Pokémon for the first time and their first thought was to freeze it and break it.

Let’s say you give it a chance though. The first thing you’d notice when you got it in your home would be the amazing new hole in your floor. Even if you had a solid concrete floor, it dissolves and breaks apart at 900 degrees. Slugma, which is lava, would have an estimated temperature of around 1200 so, yeah. Let’s not even talk about your wood floor.

Now let’s say you’re fine with your home having a hole through the center and you stick with it, one day it’ll evolve into Magcargo, shown here.

Magcargo is a bit bigger than Slugma and comes with a rough series of extra chores for you. In its description, it reads, “It’s shell is very brittle and fragile – just touching it causes it to crumble apart.”

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So, it’s got a shell from the part that’s starting to cool off and you might be tempted to touch it. However, it’s also pretty much got a weird form of leprosy so doing so will probably cause a chunk of it to just break away.

Want to fix it? Let’s read some more. “This Pokémon returns to its original size by dipping itself in magma.” So, not only is your living lava pet bigger now but to fix its ailment you need a lava pool in your yard. You need a constantly active lava pool on your property for it to bathe in.

Take a moment and just make an anonymous call to City Hall. Ask how much it would cost to get a license for a “lava pool”. Let me know how that conversation goes.

Have any other ideas for Pokémon that would be terrible? Drop suggestions in the comment and I fill happily roast them like a Slugma to a floor.