None of the World of Warcraft: Battle for Azeroth Allied Races have nice butts
Blizzard, the developers who gave us Tracer, Widowmaker, and a frustrating experience if we preferred men’s butts, have not provided supple cheeks to any Allied Races in Battle for Azeroth.
When I woke up this morning, it was with the intent of compiling and ranking the butts of the Allied Races added so far in World of Warcraft: Battle for Azeroth using Wowhead’s fabulous Dressing Room model viewer (since I have no Alliance toons, sorry Anduin). I had a few expectations.
I expected the elves to be gorgeous and the Highmountain Tauren to be a hot, furry mess. I expected this to be a total joke, both because I hardly have butt-ranking qualifications and because fantasy races don’t need nice butts to kick butts. I did not expect for literally all of the Allied Races to just have average to terrible butts.
To be clear, I don’t blame the artists and modelers for this, at all. I can’t blame them for anything after they gave us the glory that is my queen, Jaina Proudmoore, and her new model:
(I’m Horde, so she’s going to destroy me come the next expansion, and I will let her because she is a goddess now and definitely not a Dreadlord.)
But anyway, no, this isn’t an attack on the wonderful people who made these models. I’ve just come to the conclusion that in Azeroth, no one gets to have a good butt. No one. Not the Dark Iron Dwarves:
The female dwarf is okay, but the male dwarf looks like he has a solid rock for a butt which he very well might, and power to him if it helps him crush his opponents.
The Lightforged Draenei might have good butts, but their fabulous tails keep getting in the way of us ever seeing them:
The Void Elves are probably the best off out of everyone, even if the female Void Elf is probably very uncomfortable fighting in that fancy thong:
Predictably, the Horde has nothing better to offer. I would not expect the faction that consists literally of cows and dead people to possess excellent glutes. The Highmountain Tauren, for example, have the same tail problem as the Draenei but style their underwear in an interesting way to compensate:
Since the Nightborne are elves and elves are graced with magical fantasy beauty, they are about as well off as the Void Elves. The male’s butt (and waist and hips) is very tiny though! I hope he’s okay:
The Zandalari trolls once again bring uncomfortable-looking underwear, even the males, and it is difficult to imagine how the male’s butt works given the bit we can see of it. Look at those sexy back muscles, though!
Because Blizzard is now using character modeling on certain races of NPCs, the Wowhead model viewer conveniently also gave me a view of some NPC buttocks. A few that made the cut simply for being humorously awful include the Ice Troll (oh no) and the Northrend Skeleton. Sorry, guys, but the Lich King does not like you for your tushies:
So as you’re selecting your new Allied Race to play as in Battle for Azeroth, cross “good butt” off the list of deciding factors. Then, definitely pick the Highmountain Tauren, because you know you secretly always wanted to be a moose riding a moose with a moose pet at your side, something that you can absolutely do in World of Warcraft right now if you pre-order Battle for Azeroth.
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A copy of World of Warcraft: Battle for Azeroth (Deluxe Edition) was provided to App Trigger for the purpose of this preview.
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