Every SEGA game with the Nintendo Switch Online + Expansion at a glance

Golden Axe

When describing a game about barbarians, magic, and dragons, the best way to get that point across is having it described to you by a man in a spinning doctor’s chair while he fights a ninja, plays slot machines, and feeds apples to both a dog and a child. You know, like a crazy person.

Golden Axe is one of the OG side-scrolling beat ’em ups that stand in the pantheon of games like Street of Rage, Fatal Fury, and Ninja Baseball Bat Men (or was that last one just me).

Play as either a barbarian, a warrior or a dwarf as you fight your way through various medieval-type stages hacking and slashing at skeletons, wizards and tiny yet invincible little guy’s that can steal more than you actually had on you. It’s a fun multiplayer as long as you can get ready to have the death sound of enemies stuck in your ears for months after playing.

Castlevania: Bloodlines

This is such a weird Castlevania game. It features bosses that don’t feel like they belong in the series and has two different characters you can play as that take different routes giving you two different play-throughs.

The first character, John, uses a whip that he can use to swing across gaps that the other player, Eric, can’t get across. Likewise, Eric can use his spear to do a high verticle leap to get to places John couldn’t reach.

None of this will prepare you for fighting a 20-foot-tall Jason from Friday the 13th because…that’s a boss in this.

Oh, and don’t forget, if you have a hard time, go to the sound test, set the background music to track 5 and select sound effect number 73 then press start. It’ll give you a fully upgraded weapon. You’re welcome.

Contra: Hard Corps

Ignoring the fact that the commercial implies that it’s…I guess…made out of child meat, this game is actually a lot more beautiful than you’d realize at first glance.

First off, the game lets you know that this Contra will not take itself seriously when you pick a character. You can play as your standard man, woman, tiny robot, and that age-old standby, werewolf cyborg in glasses. Though, admit it, you picked the robot because almost every shot went over its head. Just accept it.

This game is an absolute blast. Not only are the stages fun and have a ton of variety, it features bosses so nightmarishly bizarre your first death will probably come while you’re just stunned. This game features some of the craziest boss fights and I love it. There’s even a part in the junkyard stage where you can climb up and over the enemy base and get pulled into some weird side story where, after some TRULY strange boss fights you’re essentially trapped in some weird circus dimension forever, no escape, roll credits.

I love this weirdo and I can’t wait for people to rediscover it.